my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
