if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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