I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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