I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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