Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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