Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
