You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
