That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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