Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
