These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize