I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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