Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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