fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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