70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
