can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
