Apparently you make a good broom.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
