I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
