Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
