She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
