she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
