i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
