Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
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Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
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I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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