I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
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i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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