oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
