Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
