you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
