i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
