its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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