there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
