you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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