He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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