I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
