Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
