Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
