Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
