I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
