just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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