ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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