There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
it glows. i had to have it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
