I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
