I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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