Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need water and some morals
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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