There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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