You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
