Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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