Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
