I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
