So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have demons in me.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
