you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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