I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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