Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
