I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize