His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
