Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
